I can't fall asleep without the TV on. I realize this politically incorrect habit is probably hastening the demise of my brain, wasting electricity, and planting subliminal advertising messages in my head causing me to feel strange urges during daylight hours to call my doc immediately if I have an erection lasting over four hours. We spend a ridiculous sum of money on a high end satellite TV package every month and so we have more channels than God (though he probably pays less). However, the old adage that there's a million channels and nothing on is often true and especially so late at night. Usually the pickings are slim for falling asleep options because I am picky about what I will fall asleep listening to. Obviously I am not actually watching it since I have not yet mastered the art of sleeping with my eyes open - (except in Operations meetings at work). Despite the fact that I fall asleep fairly quickly when my requisite idiot box is on, I still cannot just have any old thing on there. Oh no. There are rules. And since the minutiae of my life is so fascinating to everyone else (after all, isn't that premise the foundation of all blogs?), here they are:

- Nothing on Lifetime. Two reasons for this - they do that SO ANNOYING THING where the commercials are THREE TIMES LOUDER than the show itself. If the volume is appropriate to hear just enough dialogue to listen while drifting off, the moment the commercial comes on my entire body will levitate off the bed three feet like some cartoon character suddenly blasted by giant sound waves. I don't find that sort of thing at all restful. Also Lifetime movies often involve screaming and shooting or at least hysterical crying. Also not restful.

- No good comedy. I cannot possibly fall asleep listening to the Colbert Report because I am too busy laughing my ass off. Laughing one's ass off is fun, but not restful.

- Nothing that involves frequent dog barking. Dog barking on the TV prompts real dog barking by the dimwit mutts snoozing on the bed with me and again, just not restful - either the dogs barking or me shouting at them to shut the hell up it's just a TV dog.

- Cheesy supernatural shows are good. We're talking Bigfoot, UFOs, Ancient Astronauts, Loch Ness Monster, Abominable Snowman, etc. Good for falling asleep. Trust me. I don't know why except I suspect that it's because I am slightly interested but not enough to stay awake since ultimately I think it's mostly a bunch of hoo ha.

- Law and Order, any flavor, but preferably SVU, or as I call it TSC (Tight Sweater Chick). There is a small risk of the especial heinousness of the crimes spilling over into nightmares, but the strong confident melodious tones of Mariska Hargitay lull me back to a feeling of safety. Not to mention other more pleasant sorts of dreams involving tight sweaters. And Mariska. 'Nuff said.

- Weather Channel shows. Not the actual Weather Channel weather reports - though that sometimes does in a pinch. But I'm talking about shows like Storm Stories about tornadoes, hurricanes, floods etc. Human suffering of other humans apparently helps reinforce my own comfyness and I am out like a light.

- True crime shows - American Justice, FBI Files, Cold Case Files, plus anything narrated by Bill Kurtis. The voice of Bill Kurtis should be bottled and sold as a mild anti-depressant - better than ativan, really.

Tune in appropriate channel, set TV to turn off in 30 minutes, adjust pillows and dogs accordingly, and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...